Friday, June 27, 2003
Well, it's officially Gay Pride Weekend and I have started it out in a foul mood.
Last night was ok. Nothing special. I didn't end up going out to the Meow Mix, with the rest of the girls, cuz I was having a day of hating lesbians. It's a little overbearing to hang out with a group of 8 girls, all of whom want to go to every lesbian bar in the city. I wish we had some gay guys in our group. And by gay guys, I mean gay friends. Not the variety of boys I have been known to date at times.
I have been such a bitch to everyone I have talked to this morning. I am having one of those days where I take out my mood on everyone else and it's not fair. I have to go home and take a nap and get ready for a weekend of fun. It's going to be whatever I make of it and I must make it a good time. I think I just need some rest.
I surprised Paul by staying over at his house last night. It broke my heart to see how happy he was to have me waiting there for him. But the guilt I felt inside, knowing that I was seeing Ahmad tonight, made me act all weird and detached. Paul wants only me. And I don't know what I want. I want Paul, the way he is right now, but how do I know that he won't revert back to his old ways?
As he fell asleep last night, I lay staring at him for a long time. He looked so beautiful laying there. He looked so real. I thought for a moment "I know him better than I know anyone else on the planet. He is the most real person I have in my life". Then I got increasingly more upset that behind his back I am still dating Ahmad. He doesn't deserve that. Not when he loves me so much.
I need to get my mood in gear and enjoy this gay pride to the fullest. It's my first one in NYC. I have tons of plans, including: house parties, bar hopping, a kegger on Chelsea Piers and the big ass parade on Sunday. There is no reason why I should feel the way I do right now. It's not the gay events or the lesbians that is really bothering me. It's the confusion, guilt, and anger I feel towards myself over the whole Ahmad/Paul situation. As often as I say that I just want to live my life for me and to do what I want to do, deep down it is a very difficult issue for me to deal with. I am always upset because I feel as though I am hurting other people by living my own life.
Congrats to my fellow gays on the Supreme Court's Ruling Against the Ban on Gay Sex! It is a victory that I know a lot of you have been hoping and praying for.
Here's to our equality!
And to a beautiful, pride-filled, weekend.
Last night was ok. Nothing special. I didn't end up going out to the Meow Mix, with the rest of the girls, cuz I was having a day of hating lesbians. It's a little overbearing to hang out with a group of 8 girls, all of whom want to go to every lesbian bar in the city. I wish we had some gay guys in our group. And by gay guys, I mean gay friends. Not the variety of boys I have been known to date at times.
I have been such a bitch to everyone I have talked to this morning. I am having one of those days where I take out my mood on everyone else and it's not fair. I have to go home and take a nap and get ready for a weekend of fun. It's going to be whatever I make of it and I must make it a good time. I think I just need some rest.
I surprised Paul by staying over at his house last night. It broke my heart to see how happy he was to have me waiting there for him. But the guilt I felt inside, knowing that I was seeing Ahmad tonight, made me act all weird and detached. Paul wants only me. And I don't know what I want. I want Paul, the way he is right now, but how do I know that he won't revert back to his old ways?
As he fell asleep last night, I lay staring at him for a long time. He looked so beautiful laying there. He looked so real. I thought for a moment "I know him better than I know anyone else on the planet. He is the most real person I have in my life". Then I got increasingly more upset that behind his back I am still dating Ahmad. He doesn't deserve that. Not when he loves me so much.
I need to get my mood in gear and enjoy this gay pride to the fullest. It's my first one in NYC. I have tons of plans, including: house parties, bar hopping, a kegger on Chelsea Piers and the big ass parade on Sunday. There is no reason why I should feel the way I do right now. It's not the gay events or the lesbians that is really bothering me. It's the confusion, guilt, and anger I feel towards myself over the whole Ahmad/Paul situation. As often as I say that I just want to live my life for me and to do what I want to do, deep down it is a very difficult issue for me to deal with. I am always upset because I feel as though I am hurting other people by living my own life.
Congrats to my fellow gays on the Supreme Court's Ruling Against the Ban on Gay Sex! It is a victory that I know a lot of you have been hoping and praying for.
Here's to our equality!
And to a beautiful, pride-filled, weekend.
